apparitions & reflections

Apparition (2015)
Apparition (2015)

Beneath all the layers of my mind, there rests the universal question: who am I? I see countless people, every single day. I see them walking, I see them running to cross the road, I see them standing in line, waiting for the show to begin. Among all these people, I stray down a solitary path. I know who I am, and what defines me. I know, from the innermost depths of my being that I exist only to give love. In moments like these, I know my purpose, I know why I exist. Should I allow this vision of myself to be altered? Should I let it rest hidden inside the darkest closet? Or should I set it free?

They say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. My life flashes before me every single day of every single week. What I did wrong, did my words make a difference, did my words hurt somebody? Someone told me once this could be a burden, this way of being is simply going to hurt too much- it cannot be sustained. I remember a long time ago, I was working with some children without any families. When you look inside the eyes of a lonely child, you see a different sort of wonder. Besides everything they have been through, they show a special resilience. There was a little boy there; he waited every day for me to come so he could play games on my phone- his eyes would go wide at the very thought of it. He worked so hard and then those last, small moments, he would save for this.

What haunts me is that millions of people live their lives without knowing the simplicity of feeling pure emotions. There are many words attached to it; naivete, in some people’s case I’ve heard stupidity. It may be purely Utopian to believe such emotions should be felt and treasured. Nevertheless, it is essential. My greatest nightmare is to walk the streets like everyone else one day, suddenly; to let my hopes die and see them scattered about me, flying away, piece by piece in the winds, until no longer seen.

Sometimes, the stories end, my words are cut short. Sometimes, there is too much to be said. Sometimes, everything is contained within a single jar of glass, keeping everything, showing everything. Some memories; lying free over the grass, watching the sun set; some memories, walking down the tracks, waiting to meet somebody after a long time; some memories, sheltering underneath a ledge to hide from the rain; some memories, grieving, grieving deeply for the time wasted, the time lost, the time spent shouting… some memories; quick and flashy, some long and bitter, some full of passion and struggle. Some memories, waking early to see someone lying next to you…

Life is short, too short for anything but living it with a passion incomparable; head on, jumping in, taking it, grasping what is yours, and then holding it steady, then taming it, breathing it, joining it and then…

Then letting it live inside you.


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