Flight of the Gypsy

Autumn (2015)
Autumn (2015)

I am falling in love with you.

I am afraid, and ultimately I realize why. Because I fell in love with you as the night passed by. Because I saw the grief you hold inside. You told me not to say a word, you told me to keep my silence. And I was afraid so I didn’t speak, I was afraid so I turned away. I don’t have an explanation, I have nothing to say. I don’t have the answers and I can’t solve this riddle. I spoke words of love to other people before you and my storms were not any less in their intensity. I sang to other people before you and my voice may still haunt them, and this I won’t hide from you. I loved before you and I will love after you. But I am, in the end, still at the beginning of my journey and what I wouldn’t give to walk it with you, what I wouldn’t give to wake up with you.

But life has taught me that spring is not eternal. Life has taught me, if nothing more, that summer showers seldom last. Life has taught me, clouds turn to wisps and eventually disappear. Life has taught me, life has taught me, there is hopelessness in our hearts and there is an end to every beginning and the honey from the beehive, the water from the streams and the life from the flowers eventually dries out. Barely scratching the surface of our infinite passions and promises, which in the moment are heated like ore from the core of this earth and only tomorrow, wither away like the blind flight of a gypsy moth.

Gone are the dreams of the girl who was barely awake when life took her in its grasp and shed her down, sped her down, wore her out. Gone are the notes on which her hopes rose next to the music that dawned with every new day. Gone is the laughter that traveled far on the wind, that embraced and swallowed and allowed and let her become. Gone, gone are the sounds, the bloom, the water falling on scattered rocks and breaking into a million gems before accepting that brittle and broke, there is nothing more.

One last time, I saw you, one last time and then I turned and I walked away, and you walked away, and all I saw was your silhouette, the back of your head, your long stride, your wonder and your sadness, all I saw was you walking away from me.

We Burn Alone

Burn (2015)
Burn (2015)

Let me tell you something, my friend.

Life is so very long. You close your eyes each night, you close your eyes and you wake up to the glowing sun. In those first rays that skim your face, do you know how many years pass by? In my heart, somewhere deep inside, I see the real you. There is an aching loneliness here, there is an aching cry, which pierces me. It pierces me. Let me tell you something. I know what it feels like, when you’re broken, all cut up in neat and orderly triangles, right in the center of your soul. You struggle to make sense of things, so you put them in neat little shapes. There, everything is orderly, everything is set and you walk the straight line.

There have been those few times I’ve glimpsed something, leaving as suddenly as it came, flitting across your face like a million thoughts; confusions that you keep bottled up. I always say, our love for someone is a reflection of ourselves inside them. I always say, I couldn’t save myself, maybe I could save you, maybe I could help you. If only, if only, if only time lets me; if only life doesn’t flit past without giving me a chance. Will I ever board this train again? Will I ever see the sight of those hills, of those towers as I cross them? I told myself, this time, this time no goodbyes, this time no surrender. But lord, do I ache for myself and for what I’ve lost and did I weep for you and your sadness… All my life, I only needed one chance, I only pleaded for this one thing- belief. Believe me. Put your trust in me. Hold my hand. Because I have needed you as you need someone, but you won’t look, you won’t dare, you won’t. And my test to myself fails. My test to myself and what I feel for you is all but a fluttering goldfish in a drying pond. So help me god, I told myself over and over, so help me god, I will not give up and I did. I got pushed and I got shoved, and I stood my ground and fought my battles. Tried and tested, I have been tried and tested. If only I could wave my brush and clear away the pain from your canvas. If only I could draw you a new life in which you would be happy. If only, if only and only ifs… I have nothing to give but myself and my words and what use are words, unless you use them for burning coals and burning fire?

Lucy

Lucy (2015)
…in the Sky (2015)

In my mind, we dance together. Twirling around the hardwood floors, you lift me into a pirouette and set me flying for a moment. The wind catches my hair and sets it aflame. In my mind, we hold each other, sitting atop the clouds, and we leave the world behind. In my mind, there is laughter, I laugh and you laugh, teasing each other, tripping and falling, hearts beating very fast, the wind holds us two feet off the ground. Two feet, three feet, higher, higher, twirling and swirling, around and around like children trapped on a merry-go-round. Listening to the sound of the air passing through, listening to the calling of the inner child, my dream… In my dream, we hold each other. In my dream, the sun never sets. In my dream, you kiss me to sleep. In my dream, we hold and we touch and nothing can hurt me. In my dream, I care for you, I know your demons and I fight your ghosts. In my dream, in my dream, I don’t wake up. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, feeling the empty space beside me. I don’t wake up at all. I swim with you underwater, I can breathe forever, I twist and turn in your arms, in your arms, I sing and cry and I draw with oil, rushing across the sky, the sky is my canvas and the music is in our souls. And we need no restraint and we need no audio. And we need no warnings and we heed no prophecies. And we need each other and we stay.
In my dream, we stay.

essays of longing

Varúð (Caution, 2015)
Varúð (Caution, 2015)

I imagine that I’m typing these words on an old and rusted typewriter. My fingers hit each letter; the keys creak and bend; they give way against my will. My will is on paper; each word is a representation; each word, the bubbling of a storm kept shut for years. What happens next?

Caution, time tried to teach me; caution. But there is no faltering in this flight. Freedom is too powerful a spell. Craving, I’m craving for one more flight, one more step, higher and higher; faster and faster, like a shooting star- unraveling, burning and blinded.

There is only one way to go now, there is only one goal. No disappointment, no sorrow, no golden gates that bar the way shut. I can’t stop, I won’t stop and nothing will stand in my way. I won’t cry, I won’t tremble; a kiss will not break me, your words will not hurt me. There is no power here but sadness; there is no fear here but loneliness. There is not a day it doesn’t rain; not a single day the white marks are washed away. Behind this unbreakable wall of greedy clouds, there is a sun, there is a light, there is a start, there is a way, a path, unlit today and dark at night, but there is a path I struggle to find.

Take me in your arms. Don’t break my wings. Don’t stop my flight. Take me in your arms. Don’t let me go, don’t drown my dreams. Take me in your arms, don’t turn away, don’t let me fall. Take me in your arms and we’ll fly together; I’m not afraid and I’d share your fears. Take me in your arms, don’t walk too far, I will follow.

I swear I will follow.

Waters of the Heart

Waters of the Heart (2015)
Waters of the Heart (2015)

In chaos, I find salvation. Amidst the storm of this living, each day, with the rising; each day, the breaking of the new wonder. I saw a glimpse of the sun in the water; sat by the water and saw it glide and move; a steady rhythm. In his presence, I felt calm. In his presence, the earth wasn’t restless. Today, and only today, I whispered, I flew. In his presence, the world was all right. This side of the bridge, this side of the oneness, this side of the doubts and fears, the crumbling begins, the outer pieces falling.

In his presence, the world was all right. In his presence, the moon sunk low. In his presence, the night song grew and grew, into a harmony, an ecstasy; into the flow, the music, the words bringing together the worlds.

I wish not to wake up, standing outside, looking in; I wish it wouldn’t end; I wish I wouldn’t start the long walk alone; I wish it would last; a grip, the desire, a grim hope. And yet, in his presence, the world was all right; just for a moment, no tempests, no wildness untamed.

Just in this moment, the world was all right.

The End of the Song

The End of the Song (2015)
The End of the Song (2015)

It was a fight to the end. I stood in a timeless place; a motionless place. Around me, all stilled; the air, time and space. In my heart, there was a darkness, which slowly crept and moved, stealthily, gaining with every breath. What would be, what could not be? I lost this fight, I lost it. The swings went back and forth, pushed by the wind, the noise started, getting louder, that persistent climb into consciousness I tried so hard to deny. It wasn’t reasonable to suppose this time the steps would reach the same conclusion. It wasn’t reasonable to put myself in someone else’s hand. It wasn’t reasonable to depend, to repent, to scream out loud, to make this noise. It wasn’t reasonable to have those dreams. Surrounded by the crowds, drowning in the sounds of the carnival; laughter, the smell of fresh popcorn; the clink of glasses coming together; the rising swell of music as I leave, leave it all behind. Leaving the garishness, the bright lights, the mockery, the life I lived; leaving it all behind; every single step, every minute resolve, strengthening; there is not a shadow of a doubt in my heart. There is not a suspicion or a dark cloud blighting my horizon. The way is clear, the path is drawn and behind me I’ve left shards, shards and blades and stones; each one has a face, each one has the face of my fears- all left behind, suspended, halted, contained. Notice my footsteps, notice my breath. Notice, my decision. Finally, I’m free.

Photo: Messe Freiburg, Germany