You know those special moments when you’re with your special someone, and you’re both lying on a small couch, your head resting on his chest, and talking about something funny? You both know there’s so much to do but this one lazy afternoon, you put it behind you and you just stay there, surrounded with each other, surrounded in the scent of each other. Your life then is like a static moment in a wonderland, the afternoon is glowing calm and the closeness of him is the stability and reassurance that you’re safe forever in his arms. Time freezes in such instances, you can watch them replay over and over again from the outside. But I’ll tell you when it hurts. You’re not the one in this moment, no, you never were. You never had that closeness you see in other people and the one that you ache for. Why? Because the long winding maze of life took it away, your view to trust the world, your set of eyes that looked at everything bright, like a bunch of balloons floating in the air; green, blue, pink and innocent. No, all of that just withered away. And now you’re stuck in a repeating nightmare, what you wanted, that sight on the couch, that little perfect moment, the smell of him, the touch and the laugh, the eyes, when they looked into yours, when they told you everything will be alright. No, instead what you got was a back handed slap to your dreams, to everything you cherished, it was all destroyed like a paper boat sent tumbling into the gutter, where it withers away slowly and decisively. And you think you can be with someone but how can you, when you can trust no longer, when you can see no longer when the day turns into night and night into day? The coming of the night blinds you, tears at you and shuts you down. It immobilizes you. You’re stuck in your little corner, waiting for the day to pass and the night to linger so you can breathe again. Maybe you can breathe again. Maybe you stay chilled and crumpled, trapped between the ceiling and the wooden floor, bound to terror and the repetitive visits of darkness your mind takes you wandering into. It’s like a maze that cannot be avoided and it’s like a maze that cannot be escaped. There is no way out. The visions die with the ending of the day.
I walk on dried leaves, just like I walked on water for you. I walked on water for you. I laughed in love, in love I wept and cried. A broken man plays a broken cello and in the shadow of his weeping music, I dance. Just like I danced in your arms that spring the flowers bloomed, one wonderful day the sun never set. Like two swans we waded out into the sea and the blossoming halo of a perfect sunset welcomed us. A promise it gave, a calm certainty of hope. A comfort it gave of what things lie beyond. The notes of this cello wring the pain from my heart and I remember, a trust given and a trust broken; the beauty of woven lies, resplendent in all their deception. And caught in the trap of a dying and devouring spider, glued to the silken string of an impending death, I wait.
We pass through the fields, the rain is shining down, like silken drops of silver. And we make believe.
We make believe because it’s easy, we make believe because it’s simple.
Shades of grey, shades of silver, blood that spills, like wine, that’s crimson. We talk and we laugh and we sit on the grass, we watch the sky get dark and dark, and we make believe.
He said he’d stay but then he didnt, he said he’d never let me go and then I saw him leave. Life flashes by, we’re in a field of gold and the memories are vintage ivory.
His promise meant nothing, words difficult to remember. And now I’m alone and the world is so big.
I’m afraid and I’m unstable, I’m frightened and then again, who isn’t? The silence around me, deafening, storms around me, marked for death and marked for dust. So I make believe.
I make believe.
I’m on my way to a better life, I’m on my way to a door that opens, I’m on my way to the place with the picket fence and I’m on my way to the garden bathed in sunlight. I’m walking to the edge of the pond, I’m looking over what’s mine, I’m looking into life.
And then I make believe, make believe. He comes back and he’s mine, he comes back and we’re there again, no more hazy lies, no more barricades, no more barbed wires between us. No, he comes back and I make believe. A kiss in the rain, a touch of the wind. A dance of the swan and a cry of the wolf. The moon is full and the air sultry, the face of this cliff, rock solid, maybe like us, maybe like us.
Photo: Hamburg, Germany
Will you come, while I'm masked and everything rages? And will you come, when it's raining, like tears, it's staining, Will you come, to hold my face, to hold my hand, Will you come, a summer shower, or a flaming brand, To light the way, so I can see, and I walk and walk, It never ends, the way is long, but we talk and talk. Oh, but we talk, and remember, this face, its hidden, A grip on my heart, breathless, it's sudden. Caution, it litters, on this path it keeps a hold, All I want is to drown yet to come ashore. Leaves of gold in my hair, braving waters treading stones, Asking for nothing, no words spoken, a treasure atoned. Let's cross to the shore, let's fly to the stars, mad like fire, That builds and builds, lost to the world, a tethering pyre. Let's climb to the top, see it all, let's look to the stars, Let's take, take this world, I'm next to you but I'm so far. I let it fall, faces tumble, colors and hues, no longer masked. Before it ends, before the fire, let me burn but let me ask Let me in, before it ends, and we sit in this wreck, Will you, will you let me in?
I’m glass and stone
I’m raw and closed
I’m ripe for pain
I’m ripe for hurt.
I ache so deep
So hard inside
I ache in intensity.
Grow up, grow up
This voice chimes
Give up, give up
A ghostly chant.
Hold me close
Wish of my heart
Lover of my lips
And held away
Cold eyes cloud
Sounds too far
Laugh that rings
Shut it down
Burns, it brings
Lies, to teach
A truth so harsh.
“Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child’s blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality….I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.”
― Anaïs Nin, Henry and June: From “A Journal of Love”–The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin