I honestly don’t know where to begin.
It was like walking a trapeze. One slip, off the edge of the bed, and everything falls. It was a performance, it was a test. It demanded my attention, demanded my time. A walk here, a footstep there, no slip-ups, no mistakes because those cost. A step into the fake life, a run into the fake world, a smile or two and everything was ashes. Ashes. The sky was dark, out in the wilds, it was full of stars. Black tights and a skirt too small, darker than black and face paler than ash. Out in the wild, out in the wild.
I knew this would happen, when the string would finally break, hanging by my fingertips and I finally let go. Falling, falling now and everything is crazy. The harsh glare from the overhead lights, the mist from the breaths, the mists over the windows that tilt and I stare out. Nothing but darkness but inside there’s light and there are sounds. A pounding and a bashing, marks and they’re slashing, like streaks of paint, like streaks of color, polluting the air. Blood pouring from the cracks, sounds weaving in the cries that round and round and round and pierce my own ears. I knew one day it would happen. I just knew it.
It was a short story. It was a story. It was nothing and there I was. Middle of the fields and nothing but falling leaves. Middle of the world and nothing to hang on to. Middle of the darkness and shining like a beacon. Not calling for help and waging this battle. Not crying, not wailing, not moaning but inside, inside I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding.
I walk on. He appears next to me. He’s tall and dark, just like I always imagined. He holds my hand and I lead him on, on into the fields. Let’s walk on, darkness is falling. It calls, it calls. Let’s walk on, I tell him, and silently, he follows me. Into the trees, let’s disappear, let’s get ourselves lost from this fear, let’s own this forest, let’s own these woods. Into the darkness, into the winter gloom, into the barren wasteland, into the dark, dark mists that surround my mind, in which I see you, in them I need you. I need you. The rain is blood. It was raining blood. His skin was pale. Not a drop touched him but over my face, the red spread, and it spread like doom, and pain, and death. Smeared all over, falling, falling, falling.
We took one step forward and a thousand steps back, a million steps and into the blackness of the end of everything, of the end of the way he held me, end of the way he kissed me, end of the way we lay together and memories glimmered, glimmered overhead, in an old film, blackened at the edges and cracks all over. Ended, it ended, while we were there, while I was there, while he was there, holding me down and I didn’t ever want to leave.