All posts by Nynaeve

A mad writer, a mad hatter, does it matter?

Answers in the Sky

Road Trip
Road Trip (2016)

What is about the moon that’s so comforting? We look at it and our problems don’t look so big anymore. The moon tells us we’re small, small and insignificant; we take comfort in that because there is a universe out there, bigger than this. Bigger than anything we’ve ever beheld. Millions of stars shine down on us, and here we are, tucked away in what is perhaps the safest corner in the Milky Way. Last night, he told me we’re safe here. Yet light years away from us, stars burn out, planets collapse and all light disappears into absolute nothing.

There is something about that I believe, that gives us perspective. That should give us perspective. Grief comes in waves, terrors flow back and forth in the form of nightmares; there is fire in the night. And all that disappears, as fast as the wind around me when I dance, when we speed faster and faster; time slows down. We are stuck in the dance of a century; we are trapped as the moonlight washes us in innocence, there is no pleasure but simple pleasure, there is no joy but to just be full of joy. Lights, stars, touch, dreams; so close. So look up, whenever you are feeling sad, look up, whenever you are scared, look up whenever hope leaves because surely you will see hope, surely you will see life, glittering, far far away but within grasp, it’s always within grasp. Look up, whenever you are running too fast, and the past will cease to follow, and look up; whether it’s the sun that’s shining, or the moon that’s waning, or the stars that disappear one by one before sunrise. Then you’ll know you made it through, and life is waiting, waiting for you.

Without a Theme

Life, flashbacks, revelations. What happens next? The night is young, the days so long, and here we stand, hand in hand. What happens next? This is right before I met you, this is right before I looked into your eyes. I saw the colors of the sky, I saw them glimmer and reflect, the sky behind me, the red and the orange, the purple and the blues, mixing together, like freshly poured acrylic. Is this the world in your eyes, is this the life I see before me, playing out, in sync, in reflection, apprehension, playing out like a movie, flashbacks and fast-forwards, hand in hand, we’re hand in hand.

I asked him softly that night, “Does it get better?” He was asleep in my arms so he didn’t hear my words, but he held me closer. I thought to myself, this must be okay, this has to be okay. Does it get better? I left the past behind; it came slowly, the acceptance. I left it all behind, reveling in the freedom as I shed off the veil, as I shed off cloth after cloth after cloth. It was wonderful to bathe in the sun as if it had never shone before, all over my skin, heat crawling in my blood. Something was happening; my life was changing, it was changing. 

Now the days are passing by so fast; barely time to breathe in the air. I’m caught in a dance, the steps, they take me from stone to stone over still waters. I’m happy here, I’m home here. Laughter, joy, belonging; I’m happy here. I ask him softly every morning, “Is it a dream?” I think to myself, this must be a dream, it has to be a dream. It’s the sound of the rain calling, it’s the chill from a broken dance, but the pieces are coming back together and I’m dancing, I’m dancing, I’m dancing on the gravel, I’m dancing in the grass, I’m laughing in the sunset, I’m sleeping under the stars, dreaming under the stars. I’m dreaming under the stars. I keep dreaming under the stars. I’m painting the story of my life, I’m writing the story of his, I’m keeping him forever, in the pages, in the words, in the mind and memory. I’m keeping him forever, I’m keeping this forever, this never-ending dance, I’m keeping this forever, the everlasting dance.

she glimpsed heaven

The savage storm
How it rocked her through
Depending on faith
And a few slats of wood
She waited for this rescue
In her dreams his face, vivid
In her dreams, she grasped
Reaching for his hands
The familiar strength
Of his fingers and the voice
Grave, yet smiling
What she would give
To hear those words
To feel him close
No fear or despair.
She lost time
Caged in this boat
With no harbor in sight
She lost time
Within this fence
Adrift on the sea
And no life support
No stars or glimpse of heaven
To guide her way
On this dark and endless night.

Love in the Dark

image

I can’t love you in the dark
Things don’t seem as they are
I’m a study in reflection
Waiting, these expectations
I’m lost, did I think I was found?
I climbed to the top
I jumped, closing my eyes
I fell and it felt like forever
A wall of glass
It showed me my face
Looked into myself, hard
And found nothing staring back.
I can’t love you in the dark
I can’t love you at all
Frail, this time and age
Lies, inside and across
We are forever fenced in
And I can’t step outside
I can’t love you in the dark
And I’m sorry
I can’t love you at all.

My Sleepy World

No Second Chances (2015)
Clowns (2015)
Little girl don't cry
Don't cry, for someone
Will come to save you.
Little girl, don't cry
Don't cry, for one day
You won't bleed no more.
Little girl don't be shy
Don't be shy, because outside
Are many things, many things
That shine.
Little girl you better stop
Stop this trembling, stop
This shaking and this sighing
For outside, outside are many things
Many truths and many lies.
Little girl don't cry
Because the promise that he made
He made, was never a lie
He stayed as long as you tried. 
But night comes, it comes
So don't cry, for one day
It will all fade away
It will all fade away.

 

Poison Ivy

I’m hallucinating, today.

Last night I fell asleep under the influence of this strange and sweet liquor, Liquor 43 it’s called. Before I slept, the world was normal, but this morning it was surreal. The window was frosted over so I never looked outside before venturing out.

But I could swear as I walked down Maxstrasse, I saw ghosts. Ghosts strolling through the streets, ghosts whispering together as they walked past me. Something was terribly wrong. I had walked right into another reality – where all of them were dead, these people – all of them were spirits. Life was in monochrome, fading in and out like the reception from a 1986 Sony Trinitron – like the little one that used to sit in the living room when I was four. But in 1986, I wasn’t even born. These must be someone else’s memories.

Lost in thought, I never saw him sneaking toward me – a particularly nasty ghost, grey blood pouring from his mouth and the bottom of his ghostly eyes a well of dried tears. “Whore!” He was screaming. Was he screaming at me? He lunged at me and I braced myself for the charge. But it never came.

He had gone right through me.

Into the Woods

Into the Woods (2015)

I honestly don’t know where to begin.

It was like walking a trapeze. One slip, off the edge of the bed, and everything falls. It was a performance, it was a test. It demanded my attention, demanded my time. A walk here, a footstep there, no slip-ups, no mistakes because those cost. A step into the fake life, a run into the fake world, a smile or two and everything was ashes. Ashes. The sky was dark, out in the wilds, it was full of stars. Black tights and a skirt too small, darker than black and face paler than ash. Out in the wild, out in the wild.

I knew this would happen, when the string would finally break, hanging by my fingertips and I finally let go. Falling, falling now and everything is crazy. The harsh glare from the overhead lights, the mist from the breaths, the mists over the windows that tilt and I stare out. Nothing but darkness but inside there’s light and there are sounds. A pounding and a bashing, marks and they’re slashing, like streaks of paint, like streaks of color, polluting the air. Blood pouring from the cracks, sounds weaving in the cries that round and round and round and pierce my own ears. I knew one day it would happen. I just knew it.

It was a short story. It was a story. It was nothing and there I was. Middle of the fields and nothing but falling leaves. Middle of the world and nothing to hang on to. Middle of the darkness and shining like a beacon. Not calling for help and waging this battle. Not crying, not wailing, not moaning but inside, inside I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding.

I walk on. He appears next to me. He’s tall and dark, just like I always imagined. He holds my hand and I lead him on, on into the fields. Let’s walk on, darkness is falling. It calls, it calls. Let’s walk on, I tell him, and silently, he follows me. Into the trees, let’s disappear, let’s get ourselves lost from this fear, let’s own this forest, let’s own these woods. Into the darkness, into the winter gloom, into the barren wasteland, into the dark, dark mists that surround my mind, in which I see you, in them I need you. I need you. The rain is blood. It was raining blood. His skin was pale. Not a drop touched him but over my face, the red spread, and it spread like doom, and pain, and death. Smeared all over, falling, falling, falling.

We took one step forward and a thousand steps back, a million steps and into the blackness of the end of everything, of the end of the way he held me, end of the way he kissed me, end of the way we lay together and memories glimmered, glimmered overhead, in an old film, blackened at the edges and cracks all over. Ended, it ended, while we were there, while I was there, while he was there, holding me down and I didn’t ever want to leave.