Category Archives: Art

pathways and stars

 

Watchers (2015)
Watchers (2015)
Will you come, while I'm masked and everything rages?
And will you come, when it's raining, like tears, it's staining,
Will you come, to hold my face, to hold my hand,
Will you come, a summer shower, or a flaming brand,
To light the way, so I can see, and I walk and walk, 
It never ends, the way is long, but we talk and talk.
Oh, but we talk, and remember, this face, its hidden,
A grip on my heart, breathless, it's sudden.
Caution, it litters, on this path it keeps a hold,
All I want is to drown yet to come ashore.
Leaves of gold in my hair, braving waters treading stones,
Asking for nothing, no words spoken, a treasure atoned.  
Let's cross to the shore, let's fly to the stars, mad like fire,
That builds and builds, lost to the world, a tethering pyre.
Let's climb to the top, see it all, let's look to the stars,
Let's take, take this world, I'm next to you but I'm  so far.
I let it fall, faces tumble, colors and hues, no longer masked.
Before it ends, before the fire, let me burn but let me ask
Let me in, before it ends, and we sit in this wreck, Will you, will you let me in?

Stars

Give (2015)
Give (2015)

 

I feel inspired, today, this evening, I feel like life woke me anew. Just yesterday, I withered in the flames and today, I emerged anew. And I said to him, as we both laid in bed, I said to him, “Let’s count the stars.” And the sky was an open ocean atop, the sky opened above us and we lay below, staring, side by side. I said to him, “Look at that one, the one in the corner,” and he answered, “That one looks like a shooting star.” Quick, now we have to make a wish, make a wish. Make a wish, and be quick about it. Don’t fear, don’t think about it. Just wish, wish for the first thing you can think. And the sky, the sky shot it down, it glowed and glowed, like a silver orb, caught in flight, rushing down, down. And he said to me, “Just make a wish, a wish from the bottom of your heart.”

We Burn Alone

Burn (2015)
Burn (2015)

Let me tell you something, my friend.

Life is so very long. You close your eyes each night, you close your eyes and you wake up to the glowing sun. In those first rays that skim your face, do you know how many years pass by? In my heart, somewhere deep inside, I see the real you. There is an aching loneliness here, there is an aching cry, which pierces me. It pierces me. Let me tell you something. I know what it feels like, when you’re broken, all cut up in neat and orderly triangles, right in the center of your soul. You struggle to make sense of things, so you put them in neat little shapes. There, everything is orderly, everything is set and you walk the straight line.

There have been those few times I’ve glimpsed something, leaving as suddenly as it came, flitting across your face like a million thoughts; confusions that you keep bottled up. I always say, our love for someone is a reflection of ourselves inside them. I always say, I couldn’t save myself, maybe I could save you, maybe I could help you. If only, if only, if only time lets me; if only life doesn’t flit past without giving me a chance. Will I ever board this train again? Will I ever see the sight of those hills, of those towers as I cross them? I told myself, this time, this time no goodbyes, this time no surrender. But lord, do I ache for myself and for what I’ve lost and did I weep for you and your sadness… All my life, I only needed one chance, I only pleaded for this one thing- belief. Believe me. Put your trust in me. Hold my hand. Because I have needed you as you need someone, but you won’t look, you won’t dare, you won’t. And my test to myself fails. My test to myself and what I feel for you is all but a fluttering goldfish in a drying pond. So help me god, I told myself over and over, so help me god, I will not give up and I did. I got pushed and I got shoved, and I stood my ground and fought my battles. Tried and tested, I have been tried and tested. If only I could wave my brush and clear away the pain from your canvas. If only I could draw you a new life in which you would be happy. If only, if only and only ifs… I have nothing to give but myself and my words and what use are words, unless you use them for burning coals and burning fire?

Lucy

Lucy (2015)
…in the Sky (2015)

In my mind, we dance together. Twirling around the hardwood floors, you lift me into a pirouette and set me flying for a moment. The wind catches my hair and sets it aflame. In my mind, we hold each other, sitting atop the clouds, and we leave the world behind. In my mind, there is laughter, I laugh and you laugh, teasing each other, tripping and falling, hearts beating very fast, the wind holds us two feet off the ground. Two feet, three feet, higher, higher, twirling and swirling, around and around like children trapped on a merry-go-round. Listening to the sound of the air passing through, listening to the calling of the inner child, my dream… In my dream, we hold each other. In my dream, the sun never sets. In my dream, you kiss me to sleep. In my dream, we hold and we touch and nothing can hurt me. In my dream, I care for you, I know your demons and I fight your ghosts. In my dream, in my dream, I don’t wake up. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, feeling the empty space beside me. I don’t wake up at all. I swim with you underwater, I can breathe forever, I twist and turn in your arms, in your arms, I sing and cry and I draw with oil, rushing across the sky, the sky is my canvas and the music is in our souls. And we need no restraint and we need no audio. And we need no warnings and we heed no prophecies. And we need each other and we stay.
In my dream, we stay.

essays of longing

Varúð (Caution, 2015)
Varúð (Caution, 2015)

I imagine that I’m typing these words on an old and rusted typewriter. My fingers hit each letter; the keys creak and bend; they give way against my will. My will is on paper; each word is a representation; each word, the bubbling of a storm kept shut for years. What happens next?

Caution, time tried to teach me; caution. But there is no faltering in this flight. Freedom is too powerful a spell. Craving, I’m craving for one more flight, one more step, higher and higher; faster and faster, like a shooting star- unraveling, burning and blinded.

There is only one way to go now, there is only one goal. No disappointment, no sorrow, no golden gates that bar the way shut. I can’t stop, I won’t stop and nothing will stand in my way. I won’t cry, I won’t tremble; a kiss will not break me, your words will not hurt me. There is no power here but sadness; there is no fear here but loneliness. There is not a day it doesn’t rain; not a single day the white marks are washed away. Behind this unbreakable wall of greedy clouds, there is a sun, there is a light, there is a start, there is a way, a path, unlit today and dark at night, but there is a path I struggle to find.

Take me in your arms. Don’t break my wings. Don’t stop my flight. Take me in your arms. Don’t let me go, don’t drown my dreams. Take me in your arms, don’t turn away, don’t let me fall. Take me in your arms and we’ll fly together; I’m not afraid and I’d share your fears. Take me in your arms, don’t walk too far, I will follow.

I swear I will follow.

Waters of the Heart

Waters of the Heart (2015)
Waters of the Heart (2015)

In chaos, I find salvation. Amidst the storm of this living, each day, with the rising; each day, the breaking of the new wonder. I saw a glimpse of the sun in the water; sat by the water and saw it glide and move; a steady rhythm. In his presence, I felt calm. In his presence, the earth wasn’t restless. Today, and only today, I whispered, I flew. In his presence, the world was all right. This side of the bridge, this side of the oneness, this side of the doubts and fears, the crumbling begins, the outer pieces falling.

In his presence, the world was all right. In his presence, the moon sunk low. In his presence, the night song grew and grew, into a harmony, an ecstasy; into the flow, the music, the words bringing together the worlds.

I wish not to wake up, standing outside, looking in; I wish it wouldn’t end; I wish I wouldn’t start the long walk alone; I wish it would last; a grip, the desire, a grim hope. And yet, in his presence, the world was all right; just for a moment, no tempests, no wildness untamed.

Just in this moment, the world was all right.

The Makings of Secrets and Secondhand Smoke

Secondhand Smoke (2015)
Secondhand Smoke (2015)

There are some confessions you just can’t make, not even to people you hide from behind fake names and thousands of miles of land and sea. Neil Gaiman wrote;

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

You’d think it was a normal day, right? You wake up, ready to go; the sun is shining, there’s a nice breeze; everything is everyday-like. You don’t know it yet but you walk right into this trap fate has set for you. You’d think it wouldn’t feel this way every single damn time; love is a nasty business. It’s always a nasty business and it never changes, no matter how old you are; there is just never any preparation; you don’t stand a chance. Fate sees to that. There are so many people in this world; so many things they do every day around you; yet this light shines around just one of them. You’re going about your business, doing your thing; and this one thing just keeps intruding into your thoughts. It’s like a gate you just can’t keep barred shut, no matter how hard you try. It’s like the cracks underneath the door that let the light seep in, slowly and surely. It seeps in, seeps in your thoughts, seeps in your day, seeps in your heart; it seeps into the very depths of your soul and it takes over. It binds you and there’s no escaping it; none.

It’s a conversation I’ve had with myself so often. You’d think you asked for it; no, you never did. It’s a series of normal-day events, that take place in such a delusional reality that everything is twisted around you. You listen, touch, hear and feel like normal people but your mind is already enslaved. And through what? You have one conversation; hell, you could even just only talk about the weather and yet, your heart jumps higher in your chest; your breath comes out a little fast; what’s happened? Nothing special; he may just have laughed; he may just have been himself and yet here you are. At his feet. Yes, it’s a nasty business full of a bone deep hurting; full of a longing you know is misplaced; full of feelings that have no place being there; full of the sounds of the day you know you’d never live; full of the darkness that drowns you as you try to reach for that light; it’s full of this smoke; uncertainty; no clarity; a gravity that pulls you in until you’re no longer there.

You see the best in people; you see the best in this paragon you’ve assumed exists. But you really see it, you believe it. It’s what love teaches you every damn time; every damn time. People do not need to be put on pedestals; people are just that, people. And people will always disappoint you, that’s just it; without meaning to, without thinking. It’s inevitable, it just is.