Tag Archives: Basel

my calm and chaos

Calm & Chaos (2015)
Calm & Chaos (2015)

I had a dream about you.

I dreamt we were at the edge of a rough blue sea. I dreamt of a storm. I dreamt of your storm when I looked in your eyes. I traveled so far, I saw your pain. I saw my pain, reflected there, and I drowned in your depths. I drowned in your depths. Through the spaces of my heart, and the races we run in our lives, I want to give you these words. I want to give you my words.

Don’t be sad, my dear.

Don’t be alone, my dear.

There is more to life, my dear.

It’s not over yet. It’s not even begun. Let’s start it together, let’s set fire to things, let’s erupt, let’s sleep no more, my love. Let’s walk, let’s run, let’s fly on the edge of our wind, let’s make it an eternity, an infinite time and space, only ours, that’s only ours. Let’s lose ourselves. What is time, what is time but a fleeting illusion? What is time when you and I can live forever? What is time when you and I can set fire to the things around us, make us breathe, make us see, make us drown in the passion, in the promise, in the everlasting? Make us bloom like the cherry trees. Make this color spread across our sky, make this color spread across, like the blue of the open ocean, like the red of the ripe, ripe berries, like the glitter of the morning dew, dew like diamonds, grass so green, birds that sing and notes that weep, weep, weep. We can sing, we can dance, we can live. Live this night, you and I, like we did, like we did. We can ache like the song of the wave when it leaves, when it moves, and it kisses and it says goodbye. The song of the wave, the song of the wave.

Will I be the boat that left this harbor? Will you be my anchor that held me true? Will I be the ship that set sail, so long ago, so long ago? Will you be my beacon, will you be my light, will you be my haven? My safe haven. What am I, and who are you? Who are we, do you want to know? Do you want to drown in the mystery, do you want to drown in our story? Do you want to set sail, set sail for that island where no one can find us? Do you want to lie on the hot sands of the secret beach, do you want to bathe, bathe with me in these pools of sacred water? Is this our oasis, is this our deliverance, tell me, tell me because I ache to know. I ache to know.

Do you want to leave, leave this world behind? Do you want to fly, fly with me, climb with me, see the world from my eyes? Do you want to leave this world behind, do you want to leave this world behind?

Then come with me. Come with me.

Just come with me.

Crash with me, let’s play like waves, let’s be the water that brings, brings life to everything. Let’s bring life, let’s walk on water, let’s turn it to wine, let’s turn it to wine. Let’s be the wings on which the birds can fly. Let’s soar like eagles, like eagles, let’s hunt in the night. Tell me, do you want to leave this world behind? Tell me, do you want to see the world from my eyes? Tell me, tell me your secrets and I’d tell you mine. I’d tell you mine.

My Love for a City

White Space (2013)
White Space (2013)

This moonlit night, I made a long journey. A storm was on the horizon; a sadness crept up, the night I wasn’t prepared for. It would rain, I knew it. You see, connections hold us to places, strange and unexpected connections. If I’m lucky, you may wonder what holds me to Basel. I can write you a long story, I can write you a long truth, or I can lie to you. It’s true that the first day I was ever there, it rained. I walked along the Rhine, I seem destined to walk along the riverside. It calls me every time I’m in the city. Its vastness stops me in my tracks. Over the sunlit tops of factory spires, there are always clouds of smoke heading in the same direction. Such is the stability of Basel. It has held me into a solid state of reality and wiped the illusions from my eyes; the eyes in which I viewed the world. I never knew I would return to this city; I never knew I’d be connected to this city; I never knew I’d make my way back here in so many different ways; I wasn’t looking for anything but the openness of being away from my cloistered and suffocating existence; it was a time during which I had forgotten myself and I was only trying to find my way back.

So that first morning, I woke up early; I felt an excitement in my dried blood, an excitement that had left me entirely. You know those times in life when everything you have cared about is lying in a pile of ash in a shoe box you hid under your bed? Perhaps you don’t, I can see that it’s slightly specific. Nevertheless, that first morning, I was making my escape for a few hours. I won’t deny it, I was extremely vulnerable. I was like an open shell, you could reach in and pull out my heart, you could hurt me so easily; that’s the condition I was in; everything was so raw. So I dressed, I had my tea, I had some breakfast and I got in the train to this place, to Basel. My blood was starting to drum slightly; after so long, I had the space to just be myself, vulnerable or not. I remember getting off at SBB, the central station. I remember thinking hard about the direction I had to go in; knowing myself, my sense of direction is absolutely convoluted. I had to find the way, I didn’t want to be late on my first day. After so long, the bright sun was reflecting the mood of my mind; the wind was a little chilly but nothing more. But I made it, several twists and wrong turns, and I was there. In this green and white building, away from my reality back home; living my escape. It felt so good and so simple. That’s when I first met you. I remember, I wanted coffee and I didn’t know this place, and I was determined to be myself; outspoken and loud and free; I could talk to whoever I wanted to; this is one place where what haunted me couldn’t chase me. So I asked you, I recall, if I can find coffee somewhere in this place and you laughed. Out of all the rest, I just remember this first laugh. Was it my undoing? No, I wasn’t undone but I wanted to cry because I could feel life returning to something I thought had died within me. A spark, something, a reaction, some dregs of a lost magic. You see, when you love someone and they betray you, you question many things. But the worst is when you question yourself. These doubts, they circle around you, they echo again and again, they make you believe them, they make you believe in them, the lies, the reflection, the demons and the illusions. My personal thought demons, you see, I had them surrounding me when I first met you. But your laugh, your laugh broke through, just for a few seconds; clearing the mists of self-doubt and vulnerability, it broke through. How could you know? How could you expect to touch somebody this way? You can’t, how can you tell? You can’t. We don’t know how we may or may not influence people’s lives around us. And you certainly didn’t ask to do something like this, you certainly didn’t care, how could you? But you see, you did something.

After that, everyday, I had the courage to leave my bed. After that, every morning, I had the expectation of living my escape. After that, every second, I felt my power returning to me. After that, every moment, I gathered some strength, some remnants of faith I had lost along the way, the ones that were beaten out of me. After that, a new reality began to emerge, a new bravery, a new force. How could you tell you were the undoing of what I wanted to feel so badly? You couldn’t. But this story is about me, it’s about me. Your words, simple, little; your presence, silent but overwhelming; this was what I felt, this wasn’t something you intended, this wasn’t something you even knew. But drowning people grasp at straws… I had to live for something again, I had to live for someone again or I wouldn’t live at all. I wanted to feel strong so I borrowed your strength, I borrowed you for my one escape where monsters couldn’t chase me. There was no connection,there were no links, there were no bridges connecting Basel and my demons. When I was there, those 2 weeks, they were blissful. The clouds were so far away, I knew I was safe, I couldn’t see the demons, I couldn’t see the darkness, I couldn’t smell the fear, I couldn’t despair, I wouldn’t despair, I walked and walked and walked into you every morning. I needed something, I needed your illusion to keep me going; I needed it, and it kept me walking, it kept me going on.

For me, this is Basel. This is the place, these are the moments, this is the eulogy, this is the speech, this is the aftermath, these are the fallen leaves, embedded with memories of a sunlight chasing away my demons and reminding me of laughter. For me, you are Basel.