Tag Archives: feelings

my calm and chaos

Calm & Chaos (2015)
Calm & Chaos (2015)

I had a dream about you.

I dreamt we were at the edge of a rough blue sea. I dreamt of a storm. I dreamt of your storm when I looked in your eyes. I traveled so far, I saw your pain. I saw my pain, reflected there, and I drowned in your depths. I drowned in your depths. Through the spaces of my heart, and the races we run in our lives, I want to give you these words. I want to give you my words.

Don’t be sad, my dear.

Don’t be alone, my dear.

There is more to life, my dear.

It’s not over yet. It’s not even begun. Let’s start it together, let’s set fire to things, let’s erupt, let’s sleep no more, my love. Let’s walk, let’s run, let’s fly on the edge of our wind, let’s make it an eternity, an infinite time and space, only ours, that’s only ours. Let’s lose ourselves. What is time, what is time but a fleeting illusion? What is time when you and I can live forever? What is time when you and I can set fire to the things around us, make us breathe, make us see, make us drown in the passion, in the promise, in the everlasting? Make us bloom like the cherry trees. Make this color spread across our sky, make this color spread across, like the blue of the open ocean, like the red of the ripe, ripe berries, like the glitter of the morning dew, dew like diamonds, grass so green, birds that sing and notes that weep, weep, weep. We can sing, we can dance, we can live. Live this night, you and I, like we did, like we did. We can ache like the song of the wave when it leaves, when it moves, and it kisses and it says goodbye. The song of the wave, the song of the wave.

Will I be the boat that left this harbor? Will you be my anchor that held me true? Will I be the ship that set sail, so long ago, so long ago? Will you be my beacon, will you be my light, will you be my haven? My safe haven. What am I, and who are you? Who are we, do you want to know? Do you want to drown in the mystery, do you want to drown in our story? Do you want to set sail, set sail for that island where no one can find us? Do you want to lie on the hot sands of the secret beach, do you want to bathe, bathe with me in these pools of sacred water? Is this our oasis, is this our deliverance, tell me, tell me because I ache to know. I ache to know.

Do you want to leave, leave this world behind? Do you want to fly, fly with me, climb with me, see the world from my eyes? Do you want to leave this world behind, do you want to leave this world behind?

Then come with me. Come with me.

Just come with me.

Crash with me, let’s play like waves, let’s be the water that brings, brings life to everything. Let’s bring life, let’s walk on water, let’s turn it to wine, let’s turn it to wine. Let’s be the wings on which the birds can fly. Let’s soar like eagles, like eagles, let’s hunt in the night. Tell me, do you want to leave this world behind? Tell me, do you want to see the world from my eyes? Tell me, tell me your secrets and I’d tell you mine. I’d tell you mine.

Is It Love?

Sleight of Hand II (2015)
Sleight of Hand II (2015)

We think those lyrics are cheesy; dreams, love, lights flickering, a pulse beating fast. It’s exactly what it feels like. The words suddenly make sense, the voices inviting. Blood pounding in my ears, I’m waiting and I’m watchful- should it feel like I’m touching 18 once again? It’s a blast from the past; the hope, the awkward smiles, the silence stretching out but no one leaves.

For me, was it the smile that crinkled at the corners of his mouth? The shine that lit his eyes? Infatuation… It’s a strange thing. I liked his presence, his walk- leaning back into the breeze a little, almost flowing but solid, steady. It’s when the music swelled in my mind, I swear I could hear the chords slamming. It’s when the lights played out to a vibrato that shook the air, that almost shimmered. I would have walked straight into those arms, had to grasp myself awake, out of the pleasant daydream, out of the inevitable.

Maybe, just maybe, our paths will cross again.

the Old Tree

The morning is always sunny. Sometimes I wake up listening to the sound of birds chirping in my dreams. At these times, I am already half awake. In these times, I have a blurry sense of self. My dreams claw at me. I am not ready to leave my utopia. I’m the only one; I’m surrounded by trees laid bare by a harsh winter but it isn’t cold. A soft mist hugs the grassy banks, there is water nearby. The taste of stillness hangs around me; the damp smell of unmoving water, the soft sound of a dense water body hitting a solid wall; a red, brick wall, which rises high out of the water, unyielding.

In my dreams there are memories, in those memories there are dreams, buried deep. Why is it that I’m sad when I open my eyes? Where was I traveling while I slept? I have a feeling it’s the past, I’m going back in time, days gone by, time long past, a longing turned into an aching reality. It is my Pensieve. I’m just a shadow but I see my life unraveling, I see the dust swirling, changing everything, ageing everything, but I’m standing still. Yet it’s a whirpool around me, memories, voices, scents and smells; I’m 7 years old, I’m running like only children can run- with no care in the world, only the desperation and the breathlessness, the eagerness to get where I want to be. My feet slap the ground, I shouldn’t be running in those shoes; no one can stop me. I’m 10 years old, I’m free; I’m climbing a wall- it’s an adventure. The ground is full of my enemies, a stray snake waiting to bite me- no, it’s a stormy sea full of sharks. I must not fall.

I fall. I’m going to grandmother’s- I want to run in the backyard, I want to hear her tell me those stories… I want to run into her little kitchen, grasp open that fridge, I know she cooked because I was coming. Her roasted chicken was always special. I could eat as much as I wanted- she would only give me more, laugh, fill my plate up. Then I’d bug her- we could go for a walk. We always went for a walk, we always crossed the large, drooping tree next to the juice shop. She would always buy me mango juice in a little, cardboard carton and chat with the owner. I could sit by the tree, maybe even on it, with it’s branches hanging low and just waiting to be climbed.

Why do I remember her tonight, out of all nights? I haven’t forgotten her. I remember her stories, her comfort. Some days I wake up and it’s sunny and the birds are chirping but I’m back in the past, I’m waking up in her home, I’m smelling the food cooking, smelling her soap.

Those mornings, these mornings, I miss her so much.